The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis: Worst Fiction Ever
You can read The Eye of Argon yourself if you dare traverse such passages as:
Grignr threw his hands up to shield his face, and flung himself backwards upon his buttocks. A fuzzy form bounded to his hairy chest, burying its talons in his flesh while gnashing toward his throat with its grinding white teeth;its sour, fetid breath scortching the sqirming barbarians dilating nostrils. Grignr grappled with the lashing flexor muscles of the repugnant body of a garganuan brownhided rat, striving to hold its razor teeth from his juicy jugular, as its beady grey organs of sight glazed into the flaring emeralds of its prey.
The love scene which occurs at the beginning of the book is worse, displaying a completely inadequate knowledge of what “making love” actually is:
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
“You make love well wench,” Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
Protruding is usually not the right adjective to describe a sexy woman, but yet here it is. Read the whole thing for more juicy bits of TERRIBLE english!
This entry was posted on Friday, July 6th, 2007 at 8:37 pm and is tagged with flexor muscles, jim theis, razor teeth, eye of argon, white teeth, calloused hands, inadequate knowledge, juicy bits, love scene, hairy chest, fetid breath, shoulder blades, jugular, love actually, sexy woman, making love, emeralds, barbarians, nostrils, busts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback.